Between Not Ready And Too Late. Relocation in Later Life

By: Richard L. Morgan

Modern medicine has prolonged life, and created new issues facing our growing population, not the least of which is, “Where shall I live?” In former years this was not a concern, as older persons expected their children to care for them when they could no longer care for themselves in their homes. Now, as people live longer and longer, it has become a crucial issue for older persons and their adult children, who dance between guilt and anger. They feel the guilt placed on them by their parents, or they are angry that their parents did not make their own plans.

When my wife and I faced this decision, we did not want to be a burden on our children, rather we wanted to control our own future and make planning our future a gift for our children.

We thought about remaining in our home, and getting home health care when needed. Older adult advocacy groups and service planners are currently focusing on older adults to “age in place,” and offering a variety of services that enable frail elders to stay at home.

We had a more realistic view of the inevitability of health issues which aging can bring.

The longer one lives, the more these issues become a reality. 50% of people who live past the age of 85 will suffer from some form of dementia. So we sought a continuing care retirement community where we would have care until we died. As we made this decision, we were faced with crucial questions. Most of them are discussed in my recent book, Settling In: My First Year in a Retirement Community(Upper Room Books, 2007). These are the questions adults need to face as they expect longer lives.

Who will care for you in your later years? Media hype seems to glamorize old people as healthy who do tai chi on sunny Florida beaches, or ski down slopes in Colorado. However, most older people who live into their eighties will face health issues which demand varying levels of care.

When is the right time to move? There is a big difference between being “not ready,” and “too late.” Far too many persons wait to enter a retirement community until their health fails. They miss the freedom and joy of life in a new community while they are still active.

When moving, what do you take with you? Downsizing is a difficult process. Moving to a smaller space means getting rid of some possessions. But it can be a simplifying and cleansing experience. We were surprised when our children didn’t want some of our cherished possessions. I learned that material things cannot fill the void, or make us happy.

How others react to your decision? Our children heaved a sigh of relief, and affirmed our decision. They were relieved not to have to take us kicking and screaming to a nursing home some day. Some of our friends thought we had lost our minds to leave their community, and to start a new life 500 miles away.

Others saw their own needs mirrored in our decision, and expressed concern for their parents or their own future. We believe taking control of our lives might make others do the same.

How long does it take to settle into a retirement community? That varies with the individual. For me, it took six months at least. In my book, I describe stages which I experienced. At first, I experienced initial excitement and euphoria.

I felt I had begun a new life with freedom and new opportunities. Furthermore, no leaves to rake, or snow to shovel, or leaky faucets to fix! After a few months regret Second thoughts ensued. I asked myself, “What have I done?” “Why didn’t I wait longer to leave my home?” It became a roller coaster ride between the past and the present. Then I began to make new friends, find meaningful volunteer work in both the retirement community and the larger community, until finally I settled in and no longer felt displaced.

What will retirement communities look like in the future? By the year 2029, 83 million baby boomers will have retired. This generation will have more active lifestyles, better health and will not be locked into the stereotypical senior activities. The new generation will demand two-bedroom continuing care retirement Communities with custom features. They will have more money to spend on themselves than those of past years, and will not be inclined to settle for less. The day needs to come when retirement communities are less pricey, and built near children’s day care centers for inter-generational opportunities.

We are blessed with longer lives. Science cannot extend our lives, but it can give meaning to these extended years. It is wise to plan for those years now, and a vital part of that planning is the kind of life that will bring the most joy and meaning. Then the age-old poem will ring true, “Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be. The last of life for which the first was made.”

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