CHOCOLATE IS A VEGETABLE

By Carol Kehlmeier

“What’s this?” Husband shouted from the doorway.

From the sound of his voice I knew I was in big trouble. “What?” I asked innocently.

He shook a crumpled Hershey bar wrapper in the air. “I found this in your wastebasket.”

“Why are you going through my wastebasket?”

“I was looking for a receipt I thought I might have thrown away.”

“Why are you throwing receipts away?” I asked.

“You ate the whole giant almond Hershey bar?” He gritted his teeth. “And didn’t share it with me?”

“You’re on a diet.”

“So are you!” His voice rose.

“You just don’t understand.” I took a deep breath. “Every once in a while I get this horrible craving for chocolate.”

“Fight that craving.” He folded his arms across his chest in his power stance. “Remember you’re on a diet.”

“I just take a little chocolate.” I held up my forefinger and thumb. “One little bite.”

“You could have shared it with me.”

“You’d eat it all in one sitting. I ration it out slowly.”

“And where do you keep your stash?” He thought for a moment. “Probably in that desk drawer where you keep cough drops and junk food for the grandkids.”

“Where does it say I have to tell you?” I asked.

“That’s why you don’t lose any weight. You hide candy and eat it.”

My philosophy is if no one sees you eat it, it isn’t fattening.

“Do you have anymore hidden away?” He asked.

“I only buy it when it’s buy one, get one free.”

“So you do have another one!”

“No.” I said.

“You ate two entire giant Hershey bars and didn’t offer me one little bite?”

Retired men get angry over the silliest things.

“They last forever if you don’t pig them down in one gulp.” I said.

“Candy isn’t on your diet.” He shook his head and clicked his tongue.

“Vegetables are. Chocolate is a vegetable. It grows. And I just read where almonds are very healthy.”

“Not wrapped in chocolate.” He groaned. “From now on if there‘s chocolate in the house I want my share.”

“You’ll wolf it down in one bite.” I sputtered angrily. “You don’t even enjoy it.”

“I wonder how many more candy bars you have hoarded away.” He gritted his teeth.

“None. That was the last of it.”

“I remember you hid cookies away from the boys when they were kids.”

“That’s because they’d eat them all in one sitting. I made cookies all the time when they were growing up.”

“Why don’t you make me cookies?” He whined.

“‘Cause you’re on a diet.”

“I could have one cookie.” He held up his finger.

“But you won’t eat one cookie. You want the entire batch. So, I don’t make them.”

“That’s an excuse so you don’t have to bake cookies.”

“Did you find it?” I figured it was time to change the subject.

“What?”

“The receipt you were looking for. I bet it was really important and if you don’t find it you’ll be in big trouble.”

“I know what you’re doing.” He groaned. “You’re trying to get me off the topic of chocolate.”
“What was the receipt for?”

“I just wanted to see how much I spent for that rose bush.”

“How much was it?”

“I can’t find the receipt.”

“Why are you so careless?”

“Why do you care?”

“I’m interested in your rose bush.”

He grunted.

“You know I’m interested in everything you do,” I said softly.

“There you go. You’re not going to soften me up. I haven’t forgotten about those giant Hershey bars you didn’t share with me.” He left the room.
A door slammed.

“Chocolate is a vegetable,“ I said softly. “And almonds are healthy.”

I’ll have to find a new place to stash my chocolate and from now on I’ll take the wrappers to the trashcan.
Anything to keep peace in the family.

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